College Life: The Girl With Chunky Pee

Hey. I’m back with one of my famous stories. Y’all know the drill. Let’s begin.

It was Fall Semester 2012 at the University of Maryland, College Park. It was a calm, autumn night. My roommate Myles went out to turn up. I was inside watching t.v., turning up my way.

PAtrick StarMy roommate Myles came back, chilling like he always does. He just has the aura of chill.

This is Myles. He's cool.

This is Myles. He’s cool.

He was hungry, so we made a journey to the 24-hour Shop on campus for their world-class, microwavable pizzas and their gourmet taquitos, also known as “Tornados”.

Mmm. Diarrhea.

Mmm. Diarrhea.

On the way there, we saw 2 girls and 1 guy walking in the opposite direction of the tunnel next to the parking garage,which is across from North Campus Diner and the football stadium. Nothing unusual. However, what would happen next changed my entire perspective on humanity as I know it.

BRUHTELL ME WHY THIS GIRL STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY AND STARTED PEEING CHUNKY PEE ON ONE OF THE PILLARS OF THE TUNNEL?

Steve HaveySON, THIS GIRL’S PEE WAS ACTUALLY CHUNKY! WTF HAD I JUST WITNESSED? EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY WAS A LIE!

fat-lady-falls-over-by-jake-oI didn’t understand. I STILL do not understand. Her friends were just standing there, LAUGHING like this was a regular occurrence. WTF IS WRONG WITH Y’ALL?

Katt-Williams-Target-SlapIt wasn’t until I started pharmacy courses this year that I learned that chunky/foamy urine is caused by high protein/bile acid levels in the urine. Pee pee was straight looking like Campbell’s Clam Chowder.

Campbell's Clam ChowderThis chick completed her urination and just pulled up her pants and continued to walk and laugh like NOTHING happened.

contemplatingMyles was laughing nervously like “Did that just happen?” I was appalled. We went to the 24-hour Shop. I don’t even remember what I bought SMH. I had been minding my business, watching some good t.v. That Chunky Monkey ruined my night.

catThe moral of the story is that some people have chunky/foamy urine and that should really be checked out. I literally have nothing else to say. 

-Victor Olalekan (Follow me on Twitter @tobi5486)

College Life: The Naked Man Who Almost Touched Me

Hey guys. I’m back with another one of my famous stories. Let’s begin.

It was Spring Semester 2013 at the University of Maryland, College Park. I was down Route 1, which houses pristine pubs of the highest order, such as TT, RJ Bentley’s, and, of course, Cornerstone.

Cornerstone. A citadel of demonic activity.

Cornerstone. A citadel of demonic activity.

It was a regular Thursday. I decided to go to the Bank of America across the street from Cornerstone. I deposited money into my account and was awaiting to cross the street. However, what I saw next changed my life forever.

BRUH

THIS MAN CAME OUT OF CORNERSTONE AND TOOK HIS PANTS DOWN TO HIS ANKLES. HIS WEENIE WAS COMPLETELY OUT!

Confused face

The bar patrons and security guards at Cornerstone were just laughing at this guy! Ain’t no one call the police for indecent exposure. THIS NEANDERTHAL WAS GRINDING ON THE LIGHT POST WITH HIS PHALLUS!

wtf-reaction

Homeboy started twerking on the light post with bare booty! I WAS APPALLED!

bad-haircut-17

I can only imagine the booty juice and dookie residue left behind on that light post. It ain’t make sense. Then homeboy started running into the street into oncoming traffic.

Real Life

I lie to you not. THIS MAN ACTUALLY GOT PARTIALLY HIT BY A CAR!

Jack Black

Somehow, this guy got right off the ground and began running in MY direction. Homeboy ran by me, 3 inches from my frontal plane. Luckily, I wasn’t touched.

Steve Havey

This man proceeded to run to Jason’s Deli while pulling up his pants. I crossed the street and waited at the outside of Ratsie’s Pizza to see if the guy would come back. Sure enough, he did.

facepalm

This anomaly of man ran across the street again and ALMOST got hit by a car a second time. He then proceeded to flash his male sex organ like he did before.

contemplating

NEVER in my life had I seen a man so reluctant to learn from his mistakes. You just got hit by a car and, minutes later, you commit the same sin that almost cost you your life? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Katt-Williams-Target-Slap

I eventually met with my friend Giselle to get some frozen yogurt. I didn’t record or take pictures of the ordeal because my phone ran out of memory SMH. Still, it was one of the most MYTHICAL sites I have ever seen. Had me second guessing things.

dis tew much

Weenie Man, wherever you are, just know that you are a sick man.

Moral of the story- College Park is a disturbing place. Be safe out there guys. The world is a sick place.

Follow me on Twitter (@tobi5486)

-Victor Olalekan

College Life: The Day A Grown Man Cried

Hey, what’s good, guys? It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of my stories. I’ve been busy with University of Maryland’s School of Pharmacy lately.

Swag

Swag

But bump that. Let’s begin. It was April 2013 at the University of Maryland, College Park. I was taking my 3rd Organic Chemistry II exam of the semester. For those who don’t know what organic chemistry looks like, here’s an example below.

ALCHEMY

As you can see, orgo is nothing more than alchemy. Pure alchemy. But I got Bs on the first two exams, so I thought that I was finna swag on this one, too.

Boy, was I wrong.

BRUH

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT TEST WAS, YO. FOR REAL. THIS TEST WAS FROM CHIRAQ. IT WAS THAT EVIL.

CHIRAQ

Brah, I was taking that test, thinking to myself, “Why is this test so hard?”

It isnt fair

I just sat there thinking how my mother wouldn’t believe me when I tell her that this test was the manifestation of demonic forces acting against me.

Nigerian movie

When the professor said “5 minutes left”, there was a muffled scream from the front row. Brah.

Real Life

When the test ended, all I heard was this scream of anguish. Homeboy was yelling like Gohan did when Cell killed Android 16.

TRAGIC

TRAGIC

What ensued is something that I never expected- The biggest guy in the 300 student lecture hall BAWLED.

nc

These were not everyday tears. Oh, no, my brethren. These were “I’m playing Drake cuz my girl dumped me” tears.

mk

My mans Kendall was looking at him, like, “Yo, he really wildin’, yo!”

HOT 107.9 - Birthday Bash XXII

It was so bad, the professor had to hug homeboy. Now, this is how I saw the hug.

HUG 1

THIS PROFESSOR JUST BROKE THIS MAN’S HEART! HOMEBOY PROBABLY LOOKED AT HIM LIKE HE WAS VOLDEMORT.

Voldemort

Long story short, College Park is a crazy place. I wish luck to all of you who have midterms in the science classes coming up. You’re gonna need it.

Be careful out there, guys. This world is a crazy place. Follow me on Twitter if you like this story and my others. Peace.

-Victor Olalekan

College Life: The Girl Who Had Really Loud Sex

Hey, it’s me again. I have another story for you guys. People always ask me, “Victor, are these stories real?” Here’s my answer:

Napolean-Duh

Well now, with that out of the way, let’s begin.

It was Spring Semester 2012 at the University of Maryland, College Park. It was a Friday night. However, me and my posse didn’t feel like partying, so we were watching Family Feud in my friends’ room on Gameshow Network.

PAtrick Star

We were enjoying ourselves. I was thinking of ordering Domino’s. Then, all of a sudden, we heard footsteps come up the steps. It seemed like the people running were in a hurry. Then, the Asian girl who lived across from my friends appeared.

Pause

Pause

Now, before I continue this story, I need to give you guys a little synopsis of what we’re dealing with here. This girl had REALLY loud sex.

BRUH

The thing is when she wasn’t having sex, she talked to NO ONE. She was the definition of an introvert. I thought I heard and seen it all. Nah, brah brah.

facepalm

But I digress. Back to the story.

When her and her boyfriend entered the room, we averted our attention from Family Feud, missing the money round. We all knew what was about to go down. The second they closed the door, all I heard was lip smacking.

Katt-Williams-Target-Slap

BRAH, LITERALLY 10 SECONDS OF THE DOOR CLOSING, THEY WERE SMASHING. I KNOW THEY WENT RAW, TOO BECAUSE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO EQUIP THE JIMMY VEST IN THE ALLOTTED AMOUNT OF TIME. This HAD to have been a world record. No foreplay, nada. All I heard were dressers squeaking and her moaning. I was mystified.

HOT 107.9 - Birthday Bash XXII

Brah, the sheer FORCE of their COITUS was SHAKING the adjacent doors of the other rooms. Both of the doors next to hers and the door of my friends were SHAKING from the sex in that room. It was like Hurricane Katrina in that spot.

Hurricane

Brah, I used to think that they were exaggerating when they had Asian girls screaming in those pornos.

Chief Keef

SHE DIDN’T CARE, YO. NOT A SINGLE CARE WAS GIVEN. THIS COITUS PUT ME IN ANOTHER DIMENSION AND I WASN’T EVEN GETTING THE NUT. HAD ME QUESTIONING MY EXISTENCE.

Real Life

THE DOORS WERE SHAKING. PEOPLE RETURNING FROM PARTIES CONGREGATED OUTSIDE OF THEIR DOOR. I ain’t even care about Family Feud anymore. I felt like Steve Harvey.

Steve Havey

My roommate came back from a party and heard her from the opposite side of the hallway with our room door SHUT. OUR DOOR WAS CLOSED. He came and joined the rest of our floor. We were ALL outside of her door for an HOUR, just looking in amazement. BRAH!

mkI lie to you not. They didn’t stop. He had the same Jackhammer pace the ENTIRE time. I began to become sad because I knew that I would never attain this level of smashing. This man was a legendary Pokemon.

This man was Lucario.

lucario

No. This man was Mewtwo. 

MewtwoNo homo brah, but this guy’s stroke game was A1. Ain’t no one gonna beat that in history. This man was the Michael Jordan of smashing.

MJWe couldn’t take it anymore, man. We all just went to our respective rooms after awhile like

dis tew much

The moral of the story is that I will never be able to smash a girl that way and I’m okay with that. Stay classy, UMD. Stay safe, guys. It’s a crazy world out there.

Follow me on Twitter and check out my new song “Gohan”. Peace.

-Victor Olalekan